In the Beginning

As Alex's 5th birthday approaches I have decided that this next year will be a year dedicated to him....I hope to START writing a book, not sure what direction yet, begin a charity in his name (not really sure how that will go) but my main goal is to start/finish his scrapbook that I have put off for 4 years. I guess my dedicatory year doesn't sound too promising, but it gives me something to work towards!

Moving on in another direction.....

My main focus for this blog is to write my thoughts as they come about life....mostly concerning Alex and how my life has been affected because of him. How my testimony of the gospel has increased in some ways and decreased in others. How my outlook on life and family has changed and what it means to actually apply what we have been taught from the gospel of Jesus Christ.
This blog is meant to be shared with all who wish to read it, but I fear that it might not be as intriguing or engaging as others out there, in fact it just might bore you to death, but for now its the only way I know how to begin what I have so longed wanted to start and I hope that my family may look back upon this and learn and understand what Alex's life meant to me and what it will continue to mean to me forever.

Often I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about the night that Alex died, and so many things run through my head: what I've learned through Alex, what I am learning now, what I hope to achieve, what I envision teaching others and then I think; I should write a book! My head seems so clear, so alert at that moment and I feel as though I will soon be this magnificent writer with prophetic ideas and thoughts. Then suddenly my eyes fill with tears, my heart begins to pound with a pain I can't describe and my mind begins remembering the precious face I used to kiss every day, the imperfect body that I used to rock hours at a time, and the tiny hands that I used to touch; that used to touch me. And then my thoughts and ideas seem to fade away and my mind stands blank as when I first fell asleep, no longer am I magnificent or prophetic, I am just me who now can't fall asleep and has an ache that won't go away.

It's amazing how resilient people/life can be. Before Alex passed away I used to think, how will I ever survive the loss of Alex. It used to make me sick to think of his death...how will he die, when will he die, and then I would calm myself by remembering that he was alive today and that was good, that was all we had. Because tomorrow is always another day and you never know what that day will be like. Finally that other day came, sooner than I had hoped for. All my questions were answered. All my fears and anxiety were gone, because now it had happened and amazingly I survived!! I didn't quit, I didn't go crazy (well maybe a little) I didn't curse God, I just came to be! The only thing I recall from those days/months is that I came through it and I that I woke up every morning and went to bed every night. I guess that's what we all do. Not matter how good or bad things are at the time, what trials or triumphs we face. Each of our days begins and ends the same.