What ifs and a day to remember!

December 18th is Alex's 6th year of loving him. We are leaving out of town that day so I am posting a little early. I wish I had something great to write but nothing comes to mind that I haven't already said a million times over.
As I think about Alex I have never really have tried to imagine what he would look like, or what he would be like. Would he like kindergarten or not? Would he have had major health issues regarding his liver transplant (that he never had but was waiting for)? My mind somehow blocks me from even entertaining those ideas, and maybe because "what ifs" are always painful. We all look back on our lives and just say "what if..." and then we get disappointed and upset, we start doubting ourselves. My motto since I was in high school was never look back. At the time we made a decision the best we could with what we had. And looking toward a "virtual future" with Alex really is almost cruel to even think about. So as I pondering his 6th year, I just envision him as I always have, my sweet little 14 month old baby, who loved me more than any other person on the earth has loved me. Just as my photos are stuck in time, so are my memories. There is no going forward and no going back. As I looked at a photo of Alex that recently had developed I realized that his last photo was taken 5 years ago and since then cameras, pixels, resolutions etc have only progressed and I just sat and thought that one day (soon) this picture is going to look like an ancient artifact! How time has a way of slipping by and changing without really ever noticing.
And now as the twins get older I find a new set of challenges and heartbreak. This year the twins are old enough to understand a little bit about whats going on and I feel sad for them that one day they will have to cope with the loss of the brother they have never met. The brother that had so much love to offer and give. He had a way of telling a story but without ever needing to say a word. He had these amazing eyes that spoke for him. Lexi and Jackson now can recognize any photo of Alex, even a baby photo. They know if the photo is not one of them then it is Alex. They have sort of grasped the concept that he was sick, he came from mommy's tummy and that he lives with Jesus.
I truly have been blessed to have Alex be part of my life. I miss him more than ever. I love him more than I ever thought possible. My thoughts are filled with that inevitable day of reunion and thats the future I can see!

Another Angel is Among Us!

A few nights ago I found out that my good friends nephew passed away. He was born with a chronic illness, and life expectancy was determined to be very short, but through the love and diligence of his parents this little boy lived longer than anyone had foreseen. Unfortunately he faced some really tough physical limitations. I never knew the little boy, but each time my friend would talk about him I could feel the spirit in which he brought into this world.

When my friend called and told me that he had passed, which the family was preparing for a few days that it would occur, my thoughts immediately turned to the mother, and how I wished I did not know what she was going through. But I do know what she is going through (in a different way) and I took the day to remember what those last moments with Alex were like for me. My heart broke all over again for this mother. Why do some of us have to face such incredibly difficult things? Why does Heavenly Father ask so much of us sometimes? Those are questions that might never get answered. And the more I try to make sense of things like this the more confused I grow and the more I learn that its not my time to understand but to merely trust in what the lord has asked of me, and that is not an easy task.

This poor little mother just watched her little boy pass away and sadly she has a little baby girl who has the same chronic illness. So she will be facing the same fate all over again. How heartbreaking to know that she will lose both of the children she brought into this world. That I can not understand, and my heart and soul feels so much sorrow for her. But I hope that one day she will be made whole again and that will only be possible through our Heavenly Father. And its not an easy road to journey on, believe me I have maybe journeyed a few steps, but now more than ever I do believe that there is an end and that I will reach it one day....we all can no matter what has occurred in our lives. We all have things in our lives that requires us to give all of our trust and faith in the lord and that is, to me, its incredibly difficult and scary. He is there for us and wants us to reach out to him and he is ready to bless us but many times those blessings can take time, and it requires us to be completely humbled to notice and I can truly say even in our darkest hours there is always a glimmer of light that we can see if we but only look up and want to take notice.

As for this mother, and maybe any of you mothers who are facing a gut wrenching experience with a child, please know that it takes an incredible amount of time to deal with excepting what God as asked of us, and there is no time limit on how to heal or move on. But just know that even in death there is still life and good things to enjoy and people and children to always love and that is the best way to mend your soul and pay the ultimate tribute to our loved ones who have gone before us, because in even in their death they still will have life!

Time does not heal all wounds

I have done a horrible job keeping up this blog. I guess it was harder than I thought. I only have so many things to say before I just get repetitive. But with Alex's birthday coming up soon (6th) and then his death date just around the corner from that, I find that this time of year is the hardest. It brings me back to the time when we were preparing to welcome him into this world and then a short year later he was admitted onto the transplant list. And then a few months after that he was gone from us and we had moved on to live in Texas. These memories are still so clear to me and yet they feel like millions of years ago. I have recently been in contact with a mother who is facing the devastating news that her little boy has a chronic illness and will most likely pass away with in a few years. There is no cure and not much can be done for his rare condition. When I heard of her story I really wanted to contact her so I did. I wanted to offer her comfort in the fact that someone else has experienced nearly the same situation, only different illnesses. I have been surprised that in our little contact with one another how much I realize that not only did she need me but I need her. Even though she is just at the beginning stages of this trial and I have had nearly 6 years, my feelings, grief and sorrow have not. They are as real now as they were 6 years ago. I think life has just swept me away for a while and now that I have been remembering things and digging back to that time I find that losing a child will always be part of me. And that part will remain with me until I see Alex again. I know that a little piece of my humor was taken, and part of my happiness was taken, and a portion of my innocence was taken but the one thing that was not taken was my love for Alex. I will continue to love him forever and its not fading or changing, but its constant. As much as I have mourned the loss of Alex, I have also mourned the loss of that part of me that was taken. But I have finally understood that I will get them both back one day and probably better than I could ever imagine. I hold onto that thought because I believe in what Christ has taught us, I believe him when he said that these trials with be but a small moment of our lives.

So as hard as it is to move forward and live life without our babies, I remember that I will not live like this forever and that one day those promises will be kept and all the pain and sorrow will have been worth it in the end. I dream of what it will feel like to hold Alex again and in my dreams its magical so I can only imagine what that day will feel like when it actually comes true!

Lets see those scars!!

On my personal family blog I wrote a little post on the "anniversary" of Alex's passing but for some reason I have waited until now to acknowledge that day....February 12, 2006. It is so hard to believe that four years have passed since I last saw my little boy, touched him, heard his last breath. Death is something I always "thought" about because most of us tend to think about our mortality. But I never really understood the power of it. I never dreamt that I would, in a sense, be part of one of the most heart renching stories. A wise friend once told me that most people like the phrase "time heals all wounds" but he likes to think of it as "there is no wound that heaven can't heal." I have absolutley found that to be true. The devestation I felt the day I walked out of the hospital with empty arms, is the day I thought my life would be over. I could not imagine my life without my little Alex. Sometimes it still is hard to accept. But the overwhelming power of our Heavenly Father can sincerely help put an aid over our broken hearts if you will only let him. Like all injuries, wounds, scars, heart breaks, it does take time to mend. I am still mending, but the fact that I can continue my life, laugh, cry, rejoice, etc is a testimony to me of the power of our Father in Heaven. The one good thing about wounds are that they do leave behind scars, to remind us of what our bodies had endured. I know most of you might be thinking why is that a good thing. Well if we just felt pain and never had a scar to show for the pain then how would we ever truly learn from that experience or even remember what happened. When I was 4 years old I fell and cracked my forehead open and had 50 stitches placed to close the wound. The scar is visible for all to see and I have never really thought twice about it. Maybe because I don't know anything different or maybe because its part of me. Its part of my story. And the same goes for the scars I bear from lossing Alex. Though they might not be visible to the naked eye they are visible to those who know me or to those who read this blog. They are part of me, they have molded me to who I am and who I will become. But I am not the only one who bears those scars. I know that Heavenly Father also bears those scars. Just like any parent watching your child go through something so painful leaves a mark as well. I might think you were able normal if that was not the case.

As the years go by faster and faster the pain lessens and you find yourselve engolfed in a new life, and thats what is supposed to happen. But there are those moments that you might have looked at picture or sang a song that reminded you of something and all of sudden your scar becomes visible and you remember....and that is good. And when in that moment and the tears are flowing and our heart literally hurts that is our Heavenly Father telling you he has not forgotten!

No matter the situation you are overcoming remember you can be comforted and healed if you not only let those who love you help but if you let our Father in Heaven in to your life. It will make all the difference.

Everyday I think of Alex and some days I cry and somedays I smile. That is what keeps me going. I used to be scared of pain and now I like the think I embrace it because it keeps me grounded and focused on whats important.

Hide and Seek

Ever since I was a little girl I can remember "copying" certain characteristics from those around me. It was as lame as how I held my pencil. I guess I would see something in someone and I wanted to be like them. I would maybe try and wear a similar shirt, or buy the same perfume, laugh a particular way, watch a tv show that I really found no interest in, make bread from scratch etc...the list can go on and on. I think I always felt like I needed to be "tweaked." I was never really successful at it because it never brought me more friends. I still felt the same about myself, I did not feel happier, but only it made me wonder who was I really, what were my interests, what was my true style of dress, how long/short did I really want my hair to be.
As I grew older I thought the "trying to fit" in days would be over, but they are still there only in a different way. I have known people in my past, and present who have disliked things about me, and when I would find that out I tried to change when I was around them. I am not really sure why I have done this....maybe its the syndrome that I want everyone to love me or that merely I don't want people to think ill of me or maybe I just want validation that I am a good person.
We found out last month that we will be moving to Florida and all that anxiety about moving, meeting new people, having to explain about Alex, will people like me etc, is slowly creeping into play. I have debated about whether to even tell people about Alex, because maybe it will scare them off or maybe they will just pity me, or maybe they really won't take interest at all. I thought maybe I should dye my hair blond and get a really nice tan before we go so I can better fit in. I am pretty sure girls in Florida don't have stretchmarks and saggy "twin skin". And as I was talking with some good friends the other night it really hit me "why am I trying to HIDE from myself and SEEK after things that I am not?"
The person that I am today is because of the life I have lived, the experiences and trials I have lived through. Why do I need to apologize for that. So maybe I am not the most bubbly person in the world, maybe I don't look as put together as most moms and housewives, maybe I like to just wear black t-shirts with khaki capris. Maybe I still feel like life has hit me a little hard and at such a young age. And thats okay. My trials and triumphs have molded me to the person I am and will continue forever. I don't have a blinded view of life. Life is HARD and the notion that I deserve to come through it unscathed is just not realistic and down right arrogant.
Shortly after we found out Alex was so ill I would sit in my living room rocking him and watch out our window and see all the young moms in our apartment complex take their babies on walks, and they were all chatting up a storm and laughing and leaning over and their babies and caring for them, and I would get so envious of that because I couldn't just "enjoy" Alex and I could not do normal things with him. We always had death looming over us, even on his good "healthy" days. I would like to say I did not resent my circumstance but that is just not true I did. "Why Me?" Out of all the hundreds of young mothers "why me?" But every time I looked at Alex I would not wish him any other way. Alex's condition made him who he was/is. And I need to accept that Alex and his liver condition made me who I am and will be. I can not change who I am but merely the things I do. That is what my focus should have been all along. No one is going to remember what kind of handwriting I had or how I looked in a bathing suite but they will remember the things I did to touch their lives. Alex has made me realize that I should not have to HIDE from who I am or the life that I have been given. Alex loved me unconditionally, regardless of everything and even despite myself. He loved me because I was his mother, his caregiver, his friend a daughter of God. There was never a time that I can remember that Alex was not happy to see me and for that I will forever be touched. Alex taught me more about our Heavenly Fathers ability to love. I hope that each of you have an "Alex" to get you out of hiding so that you can acknowledge who you truly are and the worth that you have, not only to those around you and our Heavenly Father but, to YOURSELF.

Give me Five for Alex!

Today is Alex's birthday. How crazy to think it was merely five years ago when we first met. I would have never dreamed on that day what we were to face ahead. When we sign up for marriage and kids, or to simplify it just life, I am pretty sure we all hope for a smooth ride. Of course we expect a few bumps here and there, but for the most part a nice flat road!! At least that is how I perceived things when I was young. While dealing with a chronically ill child, life made me realize that even in the darkest, most dreaded circumstance ("road"), life still can have so much goodness and happiness to offer, and I only learned that through my little Alex. Seeing the light in his eyes every morning, whether in the hospital or not, whether shoving ten medicines a day down his throat, he still had this magic about him, this spirit that always touched me and made me believe that I could get through this. His strength puts all of ours together look pretty inferior. I have not yet found a person who can match the level of strength and purity he had and I am so blessed to have ever had that so close to me.
I am so grateful the road that I was led to drive on was bumpy and hilly, and rocky and narrow and best of all well lit! My life would not be as full today if I did not have Alex at my side. And I am so thankful that Jackson and Lexi have the most loving, kind, sweet, strong, and pure older brother. I hope that he may be the rock they will need to get through life, just as he is mine.
We love you Alex....here's to FIVE years of loving you!!

Trials are like Car Salesman

Last week we had an enormous car repair bill that came up unexpectedly and for a moment my husband and I considered just trading the car in for something a little newer. When we met up with one of the salesman at the dealership he showed us this amazing van. It had all the bells and whistles in it, and of course we told the sales guy that there was no way we could afford something that nice. He proceeded to ask us what our price range was and we told him exactly what we could afford and he looked at us and said "oh yeah we can definitely work something out" and my husband and I thought there is no way!! But he told us a few times that it was "doable." So of course we took the car for a test drive and fell madly in love and we were ready to sign on the dotted line. After he got back from discussing our offer he had presented an absurd counter offer that was double what he had told him we could do. Seriously I knew it was too good to be true but he told us it wasn't. Anyway so he kept trying to push us into this car that we could clearly not afford. He tried every which way to break us and there was a moment we thought, well maybe. But at the end of the day my husband and I stood firm and merely said thanks but no thanks!

That night I could not go to sleep. We were unsure if we should spend the money to fix the car or to try and go back and search for a deal on another car. As I lay pondering this situation the thought came to me......that sales guy reminded me of the trials I have faced in my life....that we have all faced. As soon as you step into a car lot those sales guys are on you like a hawk....sometimes our trials seem to attack us all at once! And then once they get a hold of you, they are testing you to see how long it will take to make you crack, to give in, to believe there is no other option, no other way out.

The trials we face are there to test us, to make or break us, to affirm to us and the world what we are made of.....can we hold on, can we make the right choices, can we overcome, can we pick ourselves up and stand our ground no matter how hard! And in the end I hope the answer is yes!

Now I mean no hard feelings towards car salesmen, they are just doing their job and make a living, nothing wrong with that. I am merely trying to establish this point......... don't let your trials break you, don't let them back you up into a corner, to make you believe there is no way out. Stand your ground and pick yourself up and overcome. Let me tell you, spending that money we did not have was not an easy thing, we are still figuring out a way to pay for it, and yes I did cry!! But the one thing I refuse to do is let it break me.....or play the "woest me card" because believe me I could play that card a thousand times over, and I have. But I have decided after Alex's death that happiness can come despite our trials. I never would have believed that I could find joy again in life after literally watching my little boy take his last breath. And there are days that I am not happy and that life is down right hard. And then there are days that I look at my husband and my twins and I think I am the luckiest woman around. Happiness is something that many of us believe just "happens" and we all know that is not true. Happiness to me is something we "earn" in a way. We have to sift through life, through our trials, through our triumphs through our selves, through our faith, in order to understand how to recognize pure happiness. Don't let the bad things in life define you, to rob you of enjoying the many wonderful blessings that come with life. Stand firm and don't let that "salesman" break you or convince you to give in.

I will always miss and ache for Alex. That pain is part of me, but I am also able to surround that pain with the joy and love I have for my twins, my husband, my immediate family, my close friends, Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.