What ifs and a day to remember!

December 18th is Alex's 6th year of loving him. We are leaving out of town that day so I am posting a little early. I wish I had something great to write but nothing comes to mind that I haven't already said a million times over.
As I think about Alex I have never really have tried to imagine what he would look like, or what he would be like. Would he like kindergarten or not? Would he have had major health issues regarding his liver transplant (that he never had but was waiting for)? My mind somehow blocks me from even entertaining those ideas, and maybe because "what ifs" are always painful. We all look back on our lives and just say "what if..." and then we get disappointed and upset, we start doubting ourselves. My motto since I was in high school was never look back. At the time we made a decision the best we could with what we had. And looking toward a "virtual future" with Alex really is almost cruel to even think about. So as I pondering his 6th year, I just envision him as I always have, my sweet little 14 month old baby, who loved me more than any other person on the earth has loved me. Just as my photos are stuck in time, so are my memories. There is no going forward and no going back. As I looked at a photo of Alex that recently had developed I realized that his last photo was taken 5 years ago and since then cameras, pixels, resolutions etc have only progressed and I just sat and thought that one day (soon) this picture is going to look like an ancient artifact! How time has a way of slipping by and changing without really ever noticing.
And now as the twins get older I find a new set of challenges and heartbreak. This year the twins are old enough to understand a little bit about whats going on and I feel sad for them that one day they will have to cope with the loss of the brother they have never met. The brother that had so much love to offer and give. He had a way of telling a story but without ever needing to say a word. He had these amazing eyes that spoke for him. Lexi and Jackson now can recognize any photo of Alex, even a baby photo. They know if the photo is not one of them then it is Alex. They have sort of grasped the concept that he was sick, he came from mommy's tummy and that he lives with Jesus.
I truly have been blessed to have Alex be part of my life. I miss him more than ever. I love him more than I ever thought possible. My thoughts are filled with that inevitable day of reunion and thats the future I can see!