My son Jackson is generally a pretty pleasant boy EXCEPT for when he wakes up in the morning or from naps. It takes him a while to readjust to the "non" sleeping world. But today he seemed a little more sensitive than usual. He, along with his twin sister Lexi, woke up wanting me to hold and rock them while "readjusting". It was really quiet and they both just stared off into deep thought and so I thought it was maybe a good time to just sing some songs to them to try and help them transition and feel a little light hearted....boy was I forever WRONG!!! Immediately Jackson waived his arms and pointed at me and said NO NO NO. Okay that was weird what kid does not like to be sung too...Lexi on the other hand was totally fine with it. Anyway Jackson proceeded to cuddle up to me and just lay there still in thought. So I thought I will try again and just see how Jackson reacted and of course it was the same result....I started to chuckle and then began to hum to see what that would do.....same thing. I decided to stop torturing the kid who clearly did not want his mother to sing and so the three of us just continued to rock and cuddle and ponder.
As I was thinking about Jackson's reaction at my "attempt" to sing my thoughts turned to Alex and the things friends, family, and strangers tried to say to me in regards to Alex's passing. Of course in that circumstance who really knows what to say or do. I remember many people expressing their sorrow, telling me to be strong. Those who were of my same faith would often say things such as "isn't it nice to know we have the gospel and that you will see Alex again some day and so on and so forth. I will have to admit in those moments, inwardly, I acted just as Jackson had done to me...."NO NO NO please don't say that. I don't want to hear it right now. All I want it to hold my little boy! All I want is silence and a hug." In the words of Allison Krauss "you say it best when you say nothing at all."
Now I really am not trying to put anyone down who has tried to offer comfort to those who were in need. But if you know someone who has just lost a loved one or even who is just plain struggling, coming from my own personal experience sometimes nothing has to be said to know you care. The most comfort I felt was from warm hugs and the love I saw in peoples eyes as they walked up to me weeping for my loss as if it were their own. It was in those moments I felt the Savior with me, weeping for my pain and for my loss and yet at the same time comforting me and reminding me that all was well and that Alex will forever be with me.
I encourage each of you to "put away your singing voices" and open up your arms and let someone rest upon your shoulders when they are in need and I promise it will mean the world to whomever seeks refuge from their pain.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Gone to soon or was he?
One day a few months ago, while fixing dinner, I was listening to the news and one of the headlines was, of course, about Micheal Jacksons death and the newscaster had reported how Jacksons life had been taken "too" soon, and what a tragedy it was. I just stopped what I was doing and thought what has this world come to....a man like Micheal Jackson gets idolized for being a person who clearly did not know how to face his demons, a man who suffered much and who let the suffering succumb him, who let it rule him. A man who was, in my eyes, deranged. Yes he made great music, and yes I do listen to it, but I also listen to a lot of music. But my question is this; why are we putting a man accused of molesting children, a drug addict, a plastic surgery junky on a pedestal? Why is it that he is "gone too soon?"
Now to my point. Alex lived for 14 months, the toughest 14 months I have ever witnessed or heard of a child having to go through. He endured two of the most horrific surgeries, multiple hospital stays, poked and prodded hundreds of times, 10 different medications a day given 3 times a day, feeding tubes, and my list could go on. And yet despite all that, my little boy smiled everytime we took a picture of him. I do not have one picture where he is not smiling (I can't even get my healthy twins to look at camera). He had a way of making every person in the room feel special. He made a point to make sure he smiled or hugged anyone who came his way. This was a boy who faced so much in a short time and a boy who triumphed over all his afflictions. No he did not make any great contributions to society or to the world, but he made the biggest contribution to me and that was; he fought for me, he loved me, he waited for me and he taught me how to move on and to triumph over my demons, my weaknesses. Who knows what else this little boy could have accomplished or taught me if only I had more time with him. Alex was able to do something that most of us only dream of doing, and that was "live for the moment." I firmly believe Alex became aware quickly that his life was different, that his experience was different. Never did Alex leave my side. He was not interested in toys or playing by himself, but merely to be in my arms....touching my face, listening to me sing, sleeping next to me every night. He tried to be brave with every needle, he wanted to be remembered with a smile on his face, and he wanted to hug me ever so tightly before he had to say good-bye......
I remember that moment so clear, we were getting ready to make a trip to the Primary Childrens Hospital (our last one), Alex had been acting strange and it was concerning to me so they told us to bring him in. It was like he was losing his mind or something, and come to find out he was getting too much ammonia to his brain because his liver was beginning to shut down which caused delirium. But in a quick and quiet moment, I had picked Alex up to put him in the car and for a split second he had calmed down and hugged me in a way I had never felt before and the thought came to me that I felt as if he was saying good-bye; hugging me for the last time. And as quickly as that moment began it ended and I rushed that thought out of my mind thinking I was being morbid. But come to find out 7 days later, that would be the very last time we embraced. Shortly after we arrived at the hospital Alex slipped into a coma.
Okay coming back to my point.......
I pose the question now "gone too soon?" My answer to both would be NO! Michael Jackson faced so much affliction when he was a child, and it obviously carried on into his adulthood and when someone faces so much trauma and never deals with their pain and hurt properly, eventually it catches up to you and that is what I feel happened to him. Michael Jackson was an example of what life is like when darkness overshadows you and pain and suffering is all you will allow yourself to feel. He did not have the light of Christ in his life to carry him through, to direct him, to help take that pain and suffering from him. He did not have that knowledge to understand that even with horrible, terrible things that come with this life, also do so many wonderful, joyful, and beautiful things that can come; that are worth living for. Things that make you want to be better, to live better and to lift yourself up with strength and endurance; with peace and love. Sadly that way was not clear for Michael Jackson, just as that way is not clear for many people. He took his life and used it to gratify himself and too numb out everything else. How long can one live like that? I guess we know the answer!!
Alex on the other hand showed me HOW a person can live while facing affliction. And that was simply through the light and power of Christ. It gave him the strength to fight, to try and enjoy what he had been given, to love his family, to find happiness even in pain and to then finally succumb to Gods will with peace and grace.
To that newscaster and anyone else out there "gone too soon" is not for us to decide. Yes we want our loved ones to stay with us and when the order of life changes then we think "that is not the way" but truly what is the way...who established the order of life and death, trials and tribulations? Who came up with the notion that parents die before their children, 65 is the age of retirement, your dream house comes after all the kids are grown and out of the house? Your family is perfect; you have a boy and a girl thats all you need!! Good things happen, bad things happen during ALL faucets of life. Don't try and put yourself on a timeline or rush to catch up because your life is taking a different path. Make your life a time of morality, goodness, peace, love, joy, strength and endurance. There is no schedule, no time frame of how or when things should happen. In my mind, in Alex's mind and Gods mind it was time. There was nothing else left for him to endure or to teach those around him. He loved perfectly, he lived perfectly and he died perfectly! I hope the same can be said for me, when all is said and done.
Now to my point. Alex lived for 14 months, the toughest 14 months I have ever witnessed or heard of a child having to go through. He endured two of the most horrific surgeries, multiple hospital stays, poked and prodded hundreds of times, 10 different medications a day given 3 times a day, feeding tubes, and my list could go on. And yet despite all that, my little boy smiled everytime we took a picture of him. I do not have one picture where he is not smiling (I can't even get my healthy twins to look at camera). He had a way of making every person in the room feel special. He made a point to make sure he smiled or hugged anyone who came his way. This was a boy who faced so much in a short time and a boy who triumphed over all his afflictions. No he did not make any great contributions to society or to the world, but he made the biggest contribution to me and that was; he fought for me, he loved me, he waited for me and he taught me how to move on and to triumph over my demons, my weaknesses. Who knows what else this little boy could have accomplished or taught me if only I had more time with him. Alex was able to do something that most of us only dream of doing, and that was "live for the moment." I firmly believe Alex became aware quickly that his life was different, that his experience was different. Never did Alex leave my side. He was not interested in toys or playing by himself, but merely to be in my arms....touching my face, listening to me sing, sleeping next to me every night. He tried to be brave with every needle, he wanted to be remembered with a smile on his face, and he wanted to hug me ever so tightly before he had to say good-bye......
I remember that moment so clear, we were getting ready to make a trip to the Primary Childrens Hospital (our last one), Alex had been acting strange and it was concerning to me so they told us to bring him in. It was like he was losing his mind or something, and come to find out he was getting too much ammonia to his brain because his liver was beginning to shut down which caused delirium. But in a quick and quiet moment, I had picked Alex up to put him in the car and for a split second he had calmed down and hugged me in a way I had never felt before and the thought came to me that I felt as if he was saying good-bye; hugging me for the last time. And as quickly as that moment began it ended and I rushed that thought out of my mind thinking I was being morbid. But come to find out 7 days later, that would be the very last time we embraced. Shortly after we arrived at the hospital Alex slipped into a coma.
Okay coming back to my point.......
I pose the question now "gone too soon?" My answer to both would be NO! Michael Jackson faced so much affliction when he was a child, and it obviously carried on into his adulthood and when someone faces so much trauma and never deals with their pain and hurt properly, eventually it catches up to you and that is what I feel happened to him. Michael Jackson was an example of what life is like when darkness overshadows you and pain and suffering is all you will allow yourself to feel. He did not have the light of Christ in his life to carry him through, to direct him, to help take that pain and suffering from him. He did not have that knowledge to understand that even with horrible, terrible things that come with this life, also do so many wonderful, joyful, and beautiful things that can come; that are worth living for. Things that make you want to be better, to live better and to lift yourself up with strength and endurance; with peace and love. Sadly that way was not clear for Michael Jackson, just as that way is not clear for many people. He took his life and used it to gratify himself and too numb out everything else. How long can one live like that? I guess we know the answer!!
Alex on the other hand showed me HOW a person can live while facing affliction. And that was simply through the light and power of Christ. It gave him the strength to fight, to try and enjoy what he had been given, to love his family, to find happiness even in pain and to then finally succumb to Gods will with peace and grace.
To that newscaster and anyone else out there "gone too soon" is not for us to decide. Yes we want our loved ones to stay with us and when the order of life changes then we think "that is not the way" but truly what is the way...who established the order of life and death, trials and tribulations? Who came up with the notion that parents die before their children, 65 is the age of retirement, your dream house comes after all the kids are grown and out of the house? Your family is perfect; you have a boy and a girl thats all you need!! Good things happen, bad things happen during ALL faucets of life. Don't try and put yourself on a timeline or rush to catch up because your life is taking a different path. Make your life a time of morality, goodness, peace, love, joy, strength and endurance. There is no schedule, no time frame of how or when things should happen. In my mind, in Alex's mind and Gods mind it was time. There was nothing else left for him to endure or to teach those around him. He loved perfectly, he lived perfectly and he died perfectly! I hope the same can be said for me, when all is said and done.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
In the Beginning
As Alex's 5th birthday approaches I have decided that this next year will be a year dedicated to him....I hope to START writing a book, not sure what direction yet, begin a charity in his name (not really sure how that will go) but my main goal is to start/finish his scrapbook that I have put off for 4 years. I guess my dedicatory year doesn't sound too promising, but it gives me something to work towards!
Moving on in another direction.....
My main focus for this blog is to write my thoughts as they come about life....mostly concerning Alex and how my life has been affected because of him. How my testimony of the gospel has increased in some ways and decreased in others. How my outlook on life and family has changed and what it means to actually apply what we have been taught from the gospel of Jesus Christ.
This blog is meant to be shared with all who wish to read it, but I fear that it might not be as intriguing or engaging as others out there, in fact it just might bore you to death, but for now its the only way I know how to begin what I have so longed wanted to start and I hope that my family may look back upon this and learn and understand what Alex's life meant to me and what it will continue to mean to me forever.
Often I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about the night that Alex died, and so many things run through my head: what I've learned through Alex, what I am learning now, what I hope to achieve, what I envision teaching others and then I think; I should write a book! My head seems so clear, so alert at that moment and I feel as though I will soon be this magnificent writer with prophetic ideas and thoughts. Then suddenly my eyes fill with tears, my heart begins to pound with a pain I can't describe and my mind begins remembering the precious face I used to kiss every day, the imperfect body that I used to rock hours at a time, and the tiny hands that I used to touch; that used to touch me. And then my thoughts and ideas seem to fade away and my mind stands blank as when I first fell asleep, no longer am I magnificent or prophetic, I am just me who now can't fall asleep and has an ache that won't go away.
It's amazing how resilient people/life can be. Before Alex passed away I used to think, how will I ever survive the loss of Alex. It used to make me sick to think of his death...how will he die, when will he die, and then I would calm myself by remembering that he was alive today and that was good, that was all we had. Because tomorrow is always another day and you never know what that day will be like. Finally that other day came, sooner than I had hoped for. All my questions were answered. All my fears and anxiety were gone, because now it had happened and amazingly I survived!! I didn't quit, I didn't go crazy (well maybe a little) I didn't curse God, I just came to be! The only thing I recall from those days/months is that I came through it and I that I woke up every morning and went to bed every night. I guess that's what we all do. Not matter how good or bad things are at the time, what trials or triumphs we face. Each of our days begins and ends the same.
Moving on in another direction.....
My main focus for this blog is to write my thoughts as they come about life....mostly concerning Alex and how my life has been affected because of him. How my testimony of the gospel has increased in some ways and decreased in others. How my outlook on life and family has changed and what it means to actually apply what we have been taught from the gospel of Jesus Christ.
This blog is meant to be shared with all who wish to read it, but I fear that it might not be as intriguing or engaging as others out there, in fact it just might bore you to death, but for now its the only way I know how to begin what I have so longed wanted to start and I hope that my family may look back upon this and learn and understand what Alex's life meant to me and what it will continue to mean to me forever.
Often I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about the night that Alex died, and so many things run through my head: what I've learned through Alex, what I am learning now, what I hope to achieve, what I envision teaching others and then I think; I should write a book! My head seems so clear, so alert at that moment and I feel as though I will soon be this magnificent writer with prophetic ideas and thoughts. Then suddenly my eyes fill with tears, my heart begins to pound with a pain I can't describe and my mind begins remembering the precious face I used to kiss every day, the imperfect body that I used to rock hours at a time, and the tiny hands that I used to touch; that used to touch me. And then my thoughts and ideas seem to fade away and my mind stands blank as when I first fell asleep, no longer am I magnificent or prophetic, I am just me who now can't fall asleep and has an ache that won't go away.
It's amazing how resilient people/life can be. Before Alex passed away I used to think, how will I ever survive the loss of Alex. It used to make me sick to think of his death...how will he die, when will he die, and then I would calm myself by remembering that he was alive today and that was good, that was all we had. Because tomorrow is always another day and you never know what that day will be like. Finally that other day came, sooner than I had hoped for. All my questions were answered. All my fears and anxiety were gone, because now it had happened and amazingly I survived!! I didn't quit, I didn't go crazy (well maybe a little) I didn't curse God, I just came to be! The only thing I recall from those days/months is that I came through it and I that I woke up every morning and went to bed every night. I guess that's what we all do. Not matter how good or bad things are at the time, what trials or triumphs we face. Each of our days begins and ends the same.
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