I have done a horrible job keeping up this blog. I guess it was harder than I thought. I only have so many things to say before I just get repetitive. But with Alex's birthday coming up soon (6th) and then his death date just around the corner from that, I find that this time of year is the hardest. It brings me back to the time when we were preparing to welcome him into this world and then a short year later he was admitted onto the transplant list. And then a few months after that he was gone from us and we had moved on to live in Texas. These memories are still so clear to me and yet they feel like millions of years ago. I have recently been in contact with a mother who is facing the devastating news that her little boy has a chronic illness and will most likely pass away with in a few years. There is no cure and not much can be done for his rare condition. When I heard of her story I really wanted to contact her so I did. I wanted to offer her comfort in the fact that someone else has experienced nearly the same situation, only different illnesses. I have been surprised that in our little contact with one another how much I realize that not only did she need me but I need her. Even though she is just at the beginning stages of this trial and I have had nearly 6 years, my feelings, grief and sorrow have not. They are as real now as they were 6 years ago. I think life has just swept me away for a while and now that I have been remembering things and digging back to that time I find that losing a child will always be part of me. And that part will remain with me until I see Alex again. I know that a little piece of my humor was taken, and part of my happiness was taken, and a portion of my innocence was taken but the one thing that was not taken was my love for Alex. I will continue to love him forever and its not fading or changing, but its constant. As much as I have mourned the loss of Alex, I have also mourned the loss of that part of me that was taken. But I have finally understood that I will get them both back one day and probably better than I could ever imagine. I hold onto that thought because I believe in what Christ has taught us, I believe him when he said that these trials with be but a small moment of our lives.
So as hard as it is to move forward and live life without our babies, I remember that I will not live like this forever and that one day those promises will be kept and all the pain and sorrow will have been worth it in the end. I dream of what it will feel like to hold Alex again and in my dreams its magical so I can only imagine what that day will feel like when it actually comes true!
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I am always touched and filled with a greater love for the gospel and my children when I read your thoughts and feelings on your experience with Alex. Thank you for sharing them, I can't imagine what you have gone through but reading your posts have allowed me to gain a little understanding of what it is like. You are an amazing woman and such a great example of faith and hope to me. You have blessed my life in the past and continue to do so through this blog. I love you Courtney, thank you.
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