Hide and Seek

Ever since I was a little girl I can remember "copying" certain characteristics from those around me. It was as lame as how I held my pencil. I guess I would see something in someone and I wanted to be like them. I would maybe try and wear a similar shirt, or buy the same perfume, laugh a particular way, watch a tv show that I really found no interest in, make bread from scratch etc...the list can go on and on. I think I always felt like I needed to be "tweaked." I was never really successful at it because it never brought me more friends. I still felt the same about myself, I did not feel happier, but only it made me wonder who was I really, what were my interests, what was my true style of dress, how long/short did I really want my hair to be.
As I grew older I thought the "trying to fit" in days would be over, but they are still there only in a different way. I have known people in my past, and present who have disliked things about me, and when I would find that out I tried to change when I was around them. I am not really sure why I have done this....maybe its the syndrome that I want everyone to love me or that merely I don't want people to think ill of me or maybe I just want validation that I am a good person.
We found out last month that we will be moving to Florida and all that anxiety about moving, meeting new people, having to explain about Alex, will people like me etc, is slowly creeping into play. I have debated about whether to even tell people about Alex, because maybe it will scare them off or maybe they will just pity me, or maybe they really won't take interest at all. I thought maybe I should dye my hair blond and get a really nice tan before we go so I can better fit in. I am pretty sure girls in Florida don't have stretchmarks and saggy "twin skin". And as I was talking with some good friends the other night it really hit me "why am I trying to HIDE from myself and SEEK after things that I am not?"
The person that I am today is because of the life I have lived, the experiences and trials I have lived through. Why do I need to apologize for that. So maybe I am not the most bubbly person in the world, maybe I don't look as put together as most moms and housewives, maybe I like to just wear black t-shirts with khaki capris. Maybe I still feel like life has hit me a little hard and at such a young age. And thats okay. My trials and triumphs have molded me to the person I am and will continue forever. I don't have a blinded view of life. Life is HARD and the notion that I deserve to come through it unscathed is just not realistic and down right arrogant.
Shortly after we found out Alex was so ill I would sit in my living room rocking him and watch out our window and see all the young moms in our apartment complex take their babies on walks, and they were all chatting up a storm and laughing and leaning over and their babies and caring for them, and I would get so envious of that because I couldn't just "enjoy" Alex and I could not do normal things with him. We always had death looming over us, even on his good "healthy" days. I would like to say I did not resent my circumstance but that is just not true I did. "Why Me?" Out of all the hundreds of young mothers "why me?" But every time I looked at Alex I would not wish him any other way. Alex's condition made him who he was/is. And I need to accept that Alex and his liver condition made me who I am and will be. I can not change who I am but merely the things I do. That is what my focus should have been all along. No one is going to remember what kind of handwriting I had or how I looked in a bathing suite but they will remember the things I did to touch their lives. Alex has made me realize that I should not have to HIDE from who I am or the life that I have been given. Alex loved me unconditionally, regardless of everything and even despite myself. He loved me because I was his mother, his caregiver, his friend a daughter of God. There was never a time that I can remember that Alex was not happy to see me and for that I will forever be touched. Alex taught me more about our Heavenly Fathers ability to love. I hope that each of you have an "Alex" to get you out of hiding so that you can acknowledge who you truly are and the worth that you have, not only to those around you and our Heavenly Father but, to YOURSELF.